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One of the most upsetting things to see in a relationship is a partner struggling with their weight and continually yo-yo-ing up and down. Getting excited at the achievements but then falling into deep frustration and maybe even depression at every failure. While it can be difficult and frustrating to watch, it is something that most partners of those suffering from obesity must live with as they try to lose weight. Ultimately, the hormonal and metabolic barriers to losing a significant amount of weight are such that 90 to 95% of obese patients trying to lose weight with diet and exercise alone simply can’t do so.
Much like other chronic diseases, obesity does not just affect the person. The entire family often suffers, even if they are not obese. A spouse may not be able to have the emotional and physical relationship with their partner that they once had or hoped to have. Kids often lose out on their parent’s attention and physical presence because of their inability to perform certain activities due to weight or navigating the parent’s preoccupation with body image and the emotional roller coaster that comes with struggling with weight.
The Problem With Pressure
Frequently, conversations about weight can become contentious. A spouse may want to lose weight but may be unable to do so. Further, the partner pushing for weight loss may run out of patience. Sometimes they don’t see eye to eye, and the relationship becomes strained. As such, spouses need to understand that a person can and will only lose a significant amount of weight (and keep it off) when they are ready. External pressures can only go so far, but there is usually an “aha” moment or catalyst point when the patient understands they need to make a change. The same goes for bariatric surgery. It is common to find that a spouse still believes they can do it on their own even if they have tried multiple diets to no avail. Even though frustration and pressure typically come from a place of concern and wanting them to be happy, it generally does not yield the desired reaction unless the spouse is, in fact, ready to move ahead.
Supportive Approaches
First, offering steady support is vital. It’s important to remember that if a spouse has expressed frustration with his or her weight, they probably are not lying but simply haven’t found the formula for making a change. It can be easy to misinterpret a lack of progress as a lack of motivation or laziness, but it helps to remember that obesity is a disease that affects the body and mind and is consequently very difficult to overcome. Having consistent support, especially during the frustrating and depressing times when weight loss progress has stalled, can make the lows of the journey less dramatic.
Participating in the health journey together is another highly effective step. It’s essential that before offering criticism, no matter how constructive, individuals look at their household circumstances and see if there are areas to improve. The likelihood is that there are. That said, undertaking a lifestyle shift together is far easier than navigating the weight loss process without a partner. If both individuals have some weight to lose, being a collective part of the process enhances support. If both partners face obesity, attending an online or in-person bariatric surgery seminar together can be an excellent way to gather more information and find mutual motivation to pursue the surgery.
Maintaining honesty with friends, family, and even children—if they are old enough to have the conversation—is also helpful. Spouses can often live in a bit of a bubble, which doesn’t allow them to see their circumstances clearly. Speaking to trusted family and friends, including more mature children, can offer some needed perspective. However, admittedly, this is difficult and requires vulnerability. But asking for emotional help from those closest to the family is a first step toward seeking the physical support that a bariatric care team and a weight loss procedure can provide.
Leading by example is equally impactful. Taking charge and revamping the food situation at home is a great way to improve the health of everyone in the household while also showing genuine care. Even if a partner is not an experienced cook, this is an ideal time to find myriad recipes on the internet or in a family cookbook that can make a big difference in daily life. Eating well is something that a spouse will have to do after bariatric surgery as well, so starting early can benefit both individuals.
Practicing positive reinforcement can go a long way. If a spouse is trying hard and doing well, offering a sincere compliment is highly effective. Showering them with compliments all day long may seem insincere, so a spontaneous word of encouragement can go a long way toward validating their effort.
Ultimately, the spouse is the one who will decide when he or she is ready to take that next big step. External words or pressures cannot and should not force that choice. However, being supportive and conscientious can allow a spouse to come to that realization more quickly. No matter how urgently a partner wants them to change their lives, being along for the ride as a positive influence and source of help and confidence is the best way to improve both lives.
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Last Updated: July 15, 2026
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