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As a professional sexologist, I get asked almost any question you could think of. Tons of folks preface their question with a bashful disclaimer that what they’re about to ask me is weird or unheard of. News flash: I’ve heard it all, and I promise I’ve heard weirder. Many of the questions I receive can be categorized under the “is this normal” umbrella (which, yes it’s generally normal, unless it’s painful or nonconsensual). However, most of the questions thrown my way can be filtered into two categories: communication and libido. This article covers communication, and Part 2 will discuss FAQs about libido.
Q: How Do I Help My Partner Understand What I Want in the Bedroom?
One of the biggest barriers to your pleasure is not knowing how to ask for what you want in the bedroom. People tend to struggle with this not only because they don’t know how to phrase their request, but also because they don’t really know what they want. They might be able to describe a broad feeling they hope to get, or a general area they want stimulated. But giving vague direction only leaves your partner guessing, and ultimately you will likely feel frustrated.
First, figure out the specifics of what it is you’d like your partner to do. A request like “I want him to do more foreplay before moving to intercourse” leaves way too much room for interpretation for you to expect your needs to be met. If you want more kissing, do you prefer just on the mouth? What do you want your partner’s hands to do while you’re kissing? Do you want a slow build from soft to heavy kissing, and how long would that ideally take? If you want more dirty talk, what phrases do you want to hear, when, how frequently, and in what tone? Really nail down the nitty gritty details so you can essentially give your partner fool-proof instructions.
Many people wish they didn’t have to be so direct with their partners, claiming it takes away some of their pleasure to have to do so. But these clear requests give your partner a better idea of other things you might enjoy. Give it time, practice, and patience.
Q: Sometimes I Shy Away From Making Requests During Sex Because I Feel Like It Would Take Away From the Heat of the Moment, but Then I Don’t Enjoy It as Much. What Should I Do in This Situation?
Sometimes it’s difficult to find the right verbiage to describe exactly what you need in the middle of sex. Getting caught up in how to phrase what you want takes away from your pleasure. Using conversational shortcuts is a great way to skip past the overthinking but still get what you need.
Let’s say your partner is stimulating your clitoris using their fingers, but it’s not exactly in the way that you want. Here are a few shortcut ideas:
- 1-10 scale – “Your pressure is at a 3, but I’d like it more around a 7”
- Compare to common objects – “Make circles with your fingers like you’re tracing a pea”
- Stoplight method for consent – Green means I love this, keep going. Red means stop and don’t revisit that. Yellow means slow down or check-in.
If you have requests that are new or that need a longer explanation, save that for a conversation outside the bedroom. You want to keep work and play separate; sex is play, but talking about it is work. Choose a comfy spot in a neutral space when neither of you are hungry, angry, or tired. Broach the topic with an inviting tone, such as “I’d like to chat with you about something I’ve been curious to try with you. Is now a good time to talk about our intimacy?” Respect your partner if they aren’t interested in the new idea, or if they need time to think about it.
Advocating for Your Pleasure
Every person is responsible for their own pleasure. Yes, your partner gives you pleasure, but it’s 100% up to you to help guide them. Consider your specific wants so you can articulate them with fine-tuned detail. Take the bigger or newer requests outside of the bedroom and into a neutral space. Use shortcuts to avoid interrupting an intimate moment with wordsmithing. Being direct and clear is the best way to give instruction. A good partner wants to make you feel good, but it’s understandable that they might need a little (or a lot) of guidance.
Last Updated: May 21, 2026
