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If you are anticipating bariatric surgery, your doctor has likely informed you to wait at least 2-4 weeks after the procedure before engaging in sexual intercourse again. How can a couple nourish their intimacy during this waiting period? For some individuals and couples, this timeline doesn’t put a huge damper on their typical habits. Regardless of whether you fall into that category, the following tips can help you feel secure during this time of change and deepen your connection with your partner.
Check In Early and Often
Although bariatric surgery can benefit your intimate life in many ways, you and your partner might still have some concerns about how your sex will be affected. Having open and honest conversations about these concerns is one simple (though, not always easy) way to mitigate these worries. Dealing with your worries is important, because these thoughts can grow into beliefs, which are more difficult to diminish. Consider having a weekly or biweekly check-in with the following prompts:
In terms of our intimacy:
- What are you most excited about?
- What concerns do you have? (Keep it to 1-2 concerns per check-in).
- What is something I can do to help you feel supported?
- Is there anything else you want me to know?
Schedule these conversations during a time when neither of you are hungry or tired, and keep the sex talks outside the bedroom, such as the living room. Make it a recurring event to ensure that both partners have the opportunity to speak their mind without having to beg the conversation.
Consider All Areas of Intimacy
The 2-4 week sexless recovery is a prime opportunity to deepen your relationship. It forces a shift away from your expected sexual script (i.e. first we make out, then we do heavy petting, then they do this, then I do that…). With intercourse off the menu, what is available? Challenge yourself to think outside your norm. Consider all sectors of intimacy:
- Sexual: Discuss a fantasy or sexual experience you’d like to try with your partner once you’re back in action.
- Emotional: Ask each other, what is a moment in our relationship that made you feel deeply connected with me?
- Physical: Swap hand or foot massages.
- Intellectual: Discuss your personal and relationship goals for the future.
- Spiritual: What role does faith/spirituality play in our relationship for you, and how do you prefer to express that?
Although the “no sex” rule can seem like a full stop on your intimacy, expanding your understanding of intimacy to encompass the other areas of it can ultimately do you a major favor in your relationship.
Explore Your Erogenous Zones
What if you crave touch, but intercourse is off limits? Explore the wonderful world of erogenous zones! Erogenous zones (EZs) are parts of your body (that are not your genitals) that give you pleasure when stimulated. It doesn’t have to give you overtly erotic pleasure. It just feels good when touched in the right way. What’s the right way? And where are they? That’s something you can discover during your recovery period. Here’s what to do:
- Invite your partner to lie on the bed as naked as comfortable.
- Discuss no-go areas. If you don’t like your scar or bottoms of your feet touched, now is the time to make that clear.
- For 20 minutes, touch your partner from head to toe with various types of touch. Use your fingertips, nails, palms, the backs of your hands. Try long strokes, quick scratches, zigzag patterns, and light massaging.
- The partner receiving touch: give clear feedback about what feels good and what doesn’t. Don’t harp too much on what doesn’t. Simply say something like, “the scratching on the inside of my elbow doesn’t do it for me, but I really like the soft strokes with your fingertips,” or, “I don’t think I enjoy my upper leg being touched. Let’s move on to the lower leg and see how that feels.”
- The partner giving touch: ask open-ended questions. “What kind of touch do you like best in this area?” “What would make this feel even better?” “What about this area or touch do you enjoy?”
- Once the 20 minutes are up, switch roles.
Everyone’s EZs are unique to their body, but common ones are the side of the neck, lower back, inner thighs, wrists, ears, and ankles. What you learn during this exercise is invaluable information to take with you when you are having intercourse again. Not only will it enhance the pleasure you both feel, but you will also know yourself and your partner on a more intimate level.
Recovery and Beyond
Keep up with your intimacy check-ins to provide the opportunity for both partners to feel heard and understood, and to keep your communication strong to tackle any issues that arise. Connect with each other using the different areas of intimacy. Access your EZs for added pleasure as a way to implement light physical intimacy, or to initiate and enhance sexual intercourse. Continuing to carry a curiosity about both your and your partner’s sexuality throughout your relationship is a surefire way to keep your intimacy alive during your recovering period, as well as during your relationship thereafter.
Liz Mallers (she/her) is a certified sexuality educator who works with couples and individuals to enhance their intimate pleasures. Through her psychoeducational work, Liz helps her clients unlearn the unwanted internalized messages about sexuality that create barriers to deep intimate connection, and rebuilds their understanding of sex and intimacy for a healthier and satisfying sex life.
