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Whenever someone learns that I’m a professional sexologist, it usually comes with a follow-up question about something personal (or a “hypothetical” question). After years of this, I can confidently say that most questions fall into one of two categories: communication and libido. This article covers questions and answers about libido. I cover the top questions about communication in FAQs to a Sexologist (Part 1). This article goes over the questions and answers about libido.
Q: My Partner and I Have Different Sex Drives. I’d Be Fine With Having Sex Way Less Often Than We Do, While My Partner Would Like Sex More Often. How Often Should We Be Having Sex?
In a perfect world, you and your partner would always share the same sex drive. But that simply isn’t realistic. Your sex drive is incredibly contextual, changing throughout life due to factors like age, hormones, life stressors, illness, and more. While your own sex drive is constantly in flux, so is your partner’s. My first piece of advice is to not expect your libidos to be in line with each other. And if they do match, enjoy it while it lasts!
You should be having sex as often as the lower libido (LL) partner wants to have sex. This is not to take sides; it’s because having sex when you don’t want to is nonconsensual, and nonconsensual sex has no business in a healthy relationship. It’s not uncommon for a LL partner to go along with having sex, ignoring their desire not to, knowing they usually get into it partway through. However, this pattern can create negative psychosocial associations, and it ultimately trains you to ignore your own consent.
That said, the LL partner often wants to want sex more frequently, which brings me to the next FAQ.
Q: How Do I Increase My Sexual Desire? I Want to Want Sex More Frequently.
If I had to put a percentage to it, I’d say that 95% of the mismatched libido couples I’ve worked with have a strong will to compromise and find a frequency that fits their relationship. Start by shifting your focus from sex to intimacy. Expand your idea of having sex beyond intercourse and consider intimate connection in and out of the bedroom.
Think about your intimacy in these five “tanks”: sexual, physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. These tanks all work together to fulfill your intimate needs. Keeping these tanks from getting empty is the key. If your emotional and physical intimacy tanks feel empty, it’s going to be difficult to give sexual intimacy, especially for a LL partner. Think about (and communicate!) what you need in order to put some fuel into your empty tanks in order to feel comfortable taking from another.
When sex isn’t available, collaborate as a team to discover what is on the menu. Consider holding hands, swapping massages, pillow talk, planning a date. Also think about how you can insert intimate moments into your daily lives. Leave love notes on the coffee maker, send a saucy midday text, make a point to hug for 2 full minutes after work, practice verbalizing gratitude to each other, place a hand on your partner’s knee when watching TV or riding in the car. All these small acts of intimacy build up and fuel your tank system, which ultimately fuels your desire.
Libido is driven by testosterone, so you may consider having your hormone levels checked by a practitioner. Some natural ways to increase testosterone are exercise, diet, good sleep hygiene, and reducing stress. Also consider solo sex (aka masturbation). Sex begets sex… the more you experience sexual pleasure, the more you crave it. Start with solo sex so that it’s a very low-stakes, no-pressure situation.
Q: How Do You Get Out of a Long Dry Spell? We Haven’t Had Sex in Many Months, but It Feels Clunky Getting Back Into It. Any Advice?
It’s natural for couples to go through ebbs and flows in their sex life. Dry spells, or long periods of time when you don’t have sex, are normal. If you’re a couple that’s ready to shake off the cobwebs and get back into it, you might be surprised to find it’s not always a seamless transition.
It can help to think of this as a new start instead of going back to what you had before the dry spell. Don’t expect to roll in the bedsheets without doing any prep work. Flirt with your partner by making small acts of intimacy (just as described in the answer above). Rediscover your partner’s likes and dislikes. Have a discussion with your partner about what you both are looking forward to, not just the specific sexual acts, but also the emotional closeness and other benefits of sex. Novelty sparks desire, so if you have new interests in kinks or other sex acts, that can be a fun new way to play together. Don’t put any pressure on yourselves or each other to have full on intercourse. Allow your intimacy the time for a slow rebuild.
Conversely, some couples find it helpful to take the pressure of performance out of the equation by having a quickie. Sometimes ripping off the bandaid, so to speak, is the exact kind of jumpstart a couple needs to get over their dry spell. Chat with your partner to find out which approach would work best for your relationship.
Give Yourselves Grace
Concerns about libido are extremely common, especially for those in long-term relationships. It’s perfectly normal for your sex drive to increase and decrease throughout life. While that can cause panic in your partnered sex life, give yourself and your partner the grace to work through the dry spells and differing libido challenges. Try the tips provided above, and don’t hesitate to seek advice from a sexologist for professional assistance.
Last Updated: May 21, 2026
